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im going to drink a bottle of cheap wine and cry myself to sleep tonight.
i dont want to be alone right now.

as per usual the holiday sucked for me. at least i have good friends.
i completed 80% of my x mas shopping. for once im getting friends things and putting effort into it. wahoo holidays.

madness at my house. seriously. both of my roommates have boyfriends. i play monkey in the middle. between hearing them have sex or seeing them all cuddled up on the couch it just makes me happy that im content with where im at right now. it would be too easy to just jump into another realationship, but im not. i want to draw things out oh, maybe forever this time. love scares me now.

i saw eric today for the first time in about a month. ah haaaaaahaha HA. im over it for sure this time. what did i see in him and why the fuck did i waste a year on him? once a crackhead, always a crackhead. all that money and nothing to show for it kiddo.

enough of that. so i guess its really all me now...with a little bit of spice on the side? mmm yes spice must flow....

please dont be blinded by my words and actions. i will only fool you. in the end we all are alone and we all hurt. but you give me hope in a hopeless world.
please dont think too much about me, it will only make this worse. im just a devil on the inside. i have a fire in me you could never put out.
i confess to you that i fear for what we could have. i always hurt the ones i love. its the most honest thing i can do, give you this warning.
buy the ticket, take the ride. im just interested to see how things will play out.

your move sir. i noticed that.

i want to feel your lips against mine. but im afraid my lust for you would be overwhelming. i never was a girl to hold back my feelings.

i wanna hear you lull words of beauty in my ear. i want your hot wiskey soaked breath on my neck. i want your hands all over my body. i want to feel you inside me. i want you to moan my name. and when you cum, you will move off of me and light up a cigarette. mumbling sweet nothings in my direction.

but we all know. i sleep alone

set someone free
break someones heart


HOLY SHIT. atlanta epic road trip was well worth all my soreness. i got to hear mastodon play all of crack the skye and then some. i got my metal on for dethklok. oh yea. this little lady crowd surfed and hung with the big boys in the pit. epic, simply fucking epic. did i mention i met troy?!>!D
this only pumps me up more for new years!!!


holyfuckingshitballs.
everyone is falling in love and  being all lovey. it makes me cringe on the inside that i need to clear my slate and go back at this. really, it scares the shit out of me. i have two roommates that always have the same guys at our house. and here i am sleeping  alone.

its gettin cold.
be my heater, be my lover.

new icon. blah.
new hair color. blah.

everything lately is blah to me.
i did round up some early morning excitement this week, but im trying to not get too excited about all that.  :)

im not even excited about halloween this year. what the hell is wrong with me?

im going to the most metal show of my life in a week. guess you could say i am a little excited about that. mastodon/dethklok alllll the way in atlanta. should be an interesting day.

decided that it would be best for eric and i to NOT be a real couple. as a matter of a fact i wanna throw all my shoes at most boys i know right now.  shoes that have spikes on them.

fall is finally here and that is nice. im just sick of all the rain. who knew mississippi had a monsoon season?

i feel like my hormones are finally all sorted off now that ive been off birth control for 3 months. its not as bad as i thought it would be. just the constant condom carrying and cramps suck.

my zal died tuesday. my old man. that dog had been through so much. who knew a cocker spaniel could live to be 15 plus years old?

um.....yea. like i said. my life is pretty blah lately.
mmm but i do still love beards. and im still hooping.

i closed the door to our relationship and possibly friendship last night. you hit the nail on the head with our hour long conversation. yes we both have changed. its a part of life.

ive bleed my heart out for you enough damn it. bleed it dry. now its time to refill. my blood keeps pumping and my body is aching.

im ready to come home and start this madness from square one.

i will bask in the glow of our great memories, but you were right its been a year. now im the queen of my destiny.

i have let this sit for long enough. i do not know where else to freely vent.
one of my roommates/friends is friends with my x(geoff) and dates his roommate. her friendship with him is causing us to fight. she is telling him things in my life that are none of his business and her boyfriend is now.
last night was her second night back from her 2 week panic vacation. well eric and i had a fight. let me just say this first. i love love love this girl but she has a lot of emotional issues and is medicated. but i mean the whole damn world is medicated i guess. so eric and i had a fight. shit happens. he and i fight we make up and get over it. well ill be god damned if today geoff didnt start texting me about my fight with eric. now WHO told him? i wonder. this is not the first time she has told him stuff tht she just does not understand is my personal business.

i snapped on her today. and if anyone knows me when i snap i can break a part of your soul. she went ape shit and started yelling at me about how it was not cool to put her in that situation and how shes never raised her voice to me, but has to put up with mine and erics fighting. claming it makes her nerves worse and she cant feel comfortable in her own house. well fuck me im sorry. i pay rent too. yes, our house is small and the walls are thin. she fucking listened to me and eric talking today about geoff starting stuff that her fuckin boyfriend told. so she starts throwing stuff in her room and telling me i ruined her day cuz she has to work and i upset her so now she has to take this pill and that pill to calm down. excuse me. i didnt put them pils in your mouth. put your panties on and deal with it. she claimed i was the first person to make her yell in years. wtf.

basically i cant make her understand that she needs to keep her mouth shut about my business around him. i got so mad that i packed a bag and am not staying at my fucking house tonight. i jsut dont know what to do. i do not want to talk about her but she really does live in her own little world where she thinks nothing bad ever happens and all problems are on little fluffy clouds.

the bitch in me came out. and im not apoligizing. its my life too you choose to live with me. now deal with it or not.

am i wrong for this?

what the fuck is wrong with me? i just got so upset over looking at this ...well. ok. so the guy i lost my virginity tos wife added me on facebook and myspace. to put it nicely, i got dumped and then they got married 2 months later(2003). they have 2 kids now. army wife. and WHY am i so upset? ugh ugh gsdklfjakdlfja hate this town. it makes me mad i just got so upset. i mean this guy is not cute. he has the WORST teeth i have ever seen and you think bein in the army he can afford to get them fixed. also makes me mad how she brags about not having to work and spending his money. wth is wrong with girls today? there is a thing called being an indepent woman.

god damn it

ALL MY INDEPENEDENT WOMEN NEED TO STAND UP

http://flowerbedspirits.tumblr.com/


this is where the pictures from my photo shoot the other day will be posted.... and yes, im naked in them.
they are not fucking porn pics. ah thankyou. i actually love them and im looking forward to shootin more with this guy

hey! i can only learn from my mistakes. if nobody ever went out on a limb, nothing new would ever happen.

holy internet drama batman!

ha so aparently since i have a 'bad reputation' an old, cleveland,  friend of mine got mad and deleted me off her internet things and is taking shit about me. all because i made facebook friends and had an innocent conversation with one of her x's. what the fuck ever. be a bitch. you are not hurting my feelings any. im quite content in my little bubble.

and geoff is not my boyfriend.
neither is eric todd, yet. or at the moment.

i feel like sara marshall sometimes : bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

in other news. i learned two new hoop tricks!

youth is wasted on the young

after being on the pill since 16, im not taking them anymore.

three cheers for being a woman!

i wanna know who declared plaid to be cool again?

im at a crossroads with my hotel job. this is the situation:

im working 2 jobs. part time at mcallister in the am usually 9-2 or 10-2 and the hotel 4-10 or 4-12. i only make min wage. no benefits, no chance of a raise either.

i was working straight up 3-11 here at the hotel. in the last 2 weeks our schedule has changed. i work 4 to 10 during the week. then my bosses husband works 10-12. BUT. on fri and sat i work 4-12. only on weekends?
at the moment i am working a 1-12 shift. this means i had to call into mcallisters and not work. well they have cut me down to 3 days since my hours here arent stable.
i am also sick. like throwing up sick. and im at work.
i was told a month ago i would not work anymore 12 hours...well here i am. for labor day weekend... i work sat 4-12. sunday 12-12. then monday morning from 8am-4pm. (this also makes me miss geoffs birthday) they know i have a second job that i work 9-2 at. but they still keep scheduling me like this.
there is only one other non 'owner' that works here and she only works 12-8.
last friday i had a doctors apt and i had to reschedule it because i can not have a weekend day off here UNLESS i work 12-8 shift. well that wont work cuz i have 9-2 the same day?

what should i do? should i quit or try to talk to them about this. its killing me. i do not mind this job at all. but  i would like to have the option of having a day off, like today, when i am sick or have a legitemate excuse to be off.
also it sucks because im 23 and single. well i cant even get a date since i ALWAYS work weekends. until 12 midnight.
since i started here in march i have had ONE weekend off, that i asked for. and ONE saturday off just cuz i worked 12 hours for 3 days prior.

literally im pulling my hair out about this. they also refuse to hire someone to work part time. which would fix any of these problems.
so....
should i stay or should i go?

man today was a mad house of paying bills and being an adult. horray for 7 dollar cut/wash. my hair feels so much better. since im a hippie and i dont believe in bank accounts i had to purchase a wal mart visa card today to order geoffs birthday present and plugs! i have not ordered plugs in so long! excite!

i have been feeling lonely lately. my roommates get every weekend off it seems and i NEVER do. im doomed. doomed to work at this hotel until 12 every weekend. i just wanna dance!

as much as i want everyday to be a a good day, i know it cant.

so looks like ill be missing out on buddha's birthday. i haven't in the past 3 years... my hotel job is getting more and more outrageious. they need to hire another person. there is only one other girl that works here beside me. working 12 hour shifts when i have a second job is too much for me to handle. not only that but i can never have off a weekend, or get off work before 12 midnight on a weekend..........

its just starting to feel like my old hotel job did, and that one did not end well...