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times is hard when you sell your car for next months rent money because you know your not going to make enough this month for rent at your job. hard to look for another job with no car.
at least im getting laid now?

i still miss adam. its getting better slowly. super slowly. his birthday is tomorrow and im all stressed out for no reason.

have lost 15 pound since we spilt. dont know if its from lack of appetite or what.


life just sucks. bah humbug.

new house sucks. new roommate sucks. car died. no kittes. no sex. no weed. i hate fake plants. someone send me hugs and pot brownies

well here it is... my last night at adams house. right now he is spinning poi without a shirt on...stare away shall i?

i dunno what the fuck im doin. im depressed. im drinking a lot. im distracting myself with lots and lots of live music and cute boys. none of which are ever going to even get anywhere with me.

this fucking suckkkkssssss

i want to go one day without crying like a baby.

i fear that this was 'it' for me and i fucked it up. no i'm going to be alone forever. i'll never find anyone like him or even close.

whats the point of loving someone if you wont help them work on their flaws. if you wont try to work it out for the sake of how much you care. im hopeless. i dont know where to start. again. i love that boy so fucking much. mostly i just wanna leave memphis now. but i got no car no money and no where to go. i got to find a place to live that costs 300 or less. i need a miracle. i dont wanna give up on him. i just cant.

ive been in a general bitchy mood today. im trying so hard not to get irritated with this girl who keeps taking fire gigs from us. she used to be in our group, has only been doing fire for like 8 months. im just so annoyed with it all. its too competitive in memphis now with fire. i just dont want to do it now. ive been hooping for 3 years and doin fire for a year. we have lost 3 gigs to her now simply because she is asking for less money. im sorry. i usually expect at least 75 to 100. wouldn't you pay good money for a band to entertain you? same thing. grumble grumble.

im also super upset were not getting to go to bassnectar/pretty lights. money. adam got a new job blah blah. but we are going to go to hot springs instead. adam and i have never gone anywhere for a weekend alone. we always go with friends or to his parents. so this could be good for us.

im also getting a new tattoo oct 17 :D so excited. the guy who has done 80% my tattoos is doing it. everyone is laughing that im getting gary the snail from spongebob. yea im 25 and i refuse to grow up. i know this one is going to suck because its going to be on my upper leg. but horray leg tattoos!!

things are working well with adam too. we went on a date saturday. i wore a strapless short short dress with red...HEELS. ha. me in heels was a challenge.

oh there i go again being so predicitable and messing up the BEST god damn thing i ever had. i think it show some progression in my relationships that i made it over a year and didn't cheat. hell this time i didn't even cheat physically. just mentally. or written down. whatever. i know what i did was wrong. but truth be told i would have never slept with that guy. or any guy for that matter.

i just feel that in my life when things get so easy and perfect i have to have something to fuck it up. it's like i cant be happy being happy. i have to have that one what if, the one skeleton in my closet.

well this time i have no escape plan. no 'hey fuck you guy' when it finally hit the fan. im fucking devistated. and the fact that i didnt physically cheat is eating me up inside. how can he not talk to me. how can we not work thorough this? is it REALLY so unforgiveable? if he is so sensitive and different from men why cant we work through this?

the fact that he is in new jersey for another week is awful. so great, were going to go 2 weeks without talking at all? i was told to get my car fixed by the time he got back and i have to be out of his house by oct 5. fuck me. he offered to give me 100 to help fix my car.
so here's my plan-

get him back(duh)
get my car fixed like he asked. thats 2 flat tires, a dead battery, and my fucking brake lights wont cut off...
move out- oh shit. ok. i'm not going to pack a damn thing until he gets back and we talk like adults. if i do have to move out... there's kristen and emily and chris. Rach's old house. but i make less than 200 a week. plus 178 worth of student loans a month. wtf.

i feel hopeless. all i know of memphis is through adam. i really don't have any adults to talk to since my mom died. and not one of my friends here really really REALLY knows me.

i really love him.
if this is over i can't see myself with anyone else.... ever. no one will ever compare to him.

everything about me has something to do with you.
how do i seperate myself from you?

i dont know what to do. im hopeless. im nothing without you.

my boyfriend needs to get a fucking job. its been since may. im getting sick of him being at home all the time!!!!!!